Well I decided to start a blog and journal about how I’m feeling, what my life is like. I have a lot of mental health issues and I’m just trying to get through each day. I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Social Anxiety, and an eating disorder ( which has morphed over time Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating, over exercise) I also struggle with depression and been diagnosed with Major Depression a few times. I also struggle with Addiction and self harm. I recently realized that I have panic attacks quite often, which I didn’t realize and when someone told me that was a panic attack I’m like wow I have those all the time but it’s so normal it didn’t seem like a panic attack. Trying a new med, beta-blocker to help with anxiety to try to help with the physical sensations. I have 18 Days 9 hours and 32 Minutes Clean and Sober. I was in treatment but got kicked out for using even though I don’t remember using anything, so either someone slipped something in my food or drink, or I dissociated and took something without realizing, but are very scary to me. I have reapplied to treatment but terrified it will happen again and I will get kicked out again and I’m not sure I could deal with.
Talked to the staff today and have a lot to work on, mainly keeping my emotions under wrap, and try to ride the wave before it hits panic attack mode. I struggle with Interpersonal skills a lot, and sometimes I wonder if I have Asperger’s ( High Functioning Autism), because that would explain a lot of stuff. I am a clutz, I struggle in social situations, I do well when I am doing or talking about something I am interested in, and can give eye contact then, but if I am not interested in topic or its hard to talk about my eye contact is non existent. I have been reading books on Asperger’s and I can relate so much, but who knows it could just be my Anxiety over reacting because I have severe anxiety.
I love to draw and write, and that is my outlet, but I tend to get obsessed with that and other stuff. I lose track of time. So much so that sometimes I don’t go to the bathroom even though I need too really badly. I’m pretty sure I dissociate at times. I also get flashbacks, not necessarily visual but it feels like I’m back there. I also get body memories, and nightmares. Nightmares come out of nowhere, the worse nightmare combination is having a traumatic nightmare than waking up in panic and having a using dream and than waking up and like crap.
I am just trying to move forward, I have a lot to work on and sometimes it seems really really overwhelming, but all I can do is move forward one day at a time.