Went to church today. I love the smaller services better makes me less anxious. I liked the structure of the service and being able to follow to bulletin. Also like that we say stuff together. I like that better then my church which is bigger and makes me more anxious and has louder music and more lights. It was awkward though afterwards went down standing awkward one of the ladies like sit down here , she holds out her hand to motion to someone to say her name and I read it wrong and then I ended up shaking her hand everyone laughed…whoops. Had a bunch of us for lunch at my mom’s friend’s house and I was weird again but that’s normal. It’s amazing if I make it through a meal without spilling stuff, which is pretty normal for me. I didn’t spill the coffee but spilt the salad, oh well. I am a clutz for sure.
Well I have gone away from home for a bit at my mom’s friend’s house. It’s been good but it also made me realize how weird I really am. Stuff that is normal for me isn’t so normal. I am horrible at decisions and that came out. Also have a hard time taking care of myself and my hair. Got my hair cut short which I like and needed to because I had a big knot in my hair and it takes forever to brush. I hated the itcy feeling afterwards from the hair. The more I look into it the more I think I may be an aspie. I know not to rely on the tests online which all say I am but it explains a lot of stuff like my poor motor coordination, my lack of eye contact, poor social skills. I have been reading there is an association between addiction and Asperger’s and I am not surprised by that I know when I first started drinking and using I had no clue what I was doing but was depressed and anxious and wanted to feel better. I also wanted to fit in with others and drugs and alcohol were a way to do that. Well sort of because I got taken advantage of a lot because of my poor social skills and not knowing how it works. The thing is in some sense I know what’s going on psychological I could probably explain to you how the addiction brain works and how stuff is working in my brain on an intellectual level but trying to put into practice is another story. Heading home tomorrow, then tues heading to a withdrawal management for three days. ( I am already clean since tues but need to have 72 hours off everything and don’t want to chance it so staying somewhere safe…. hopefully if I don’t get triggered by others. I found staying with my mom’s friend better then staying at detox because less triggering.) Then I am going to a 21 day program that is 12 step based and all the counsellors are recovering addicts so that is good. I am nervous and anxious though don’t want to get kicked out. I know my social skills sux and stuff so don’t want that to get in the way of treatment and people think I’m not trying when I really am. I also on the waitlist for another 10 week program the one I got kicked out of for using benzos that I still don’t remember taking. Anyways I’m hoping get back into that though people have been saying I should get long term treatment like 3 months plus, but I’m like is addiction really my issue or is it other stuff, will I ever get better. If it is Asperger’s I know that can’t be treated but I can learn some skills I hope. I hate not being normal. I hate being weird and different.
Feeling so alone right now and sad. I just want to something to fix my feelings, anything. But I know quick fixes are non existent. I just want to sleep for hours. I am exhausted and so tired. I don’t even know what to type here because so tired. It’s Friday, I always struggle on Fridays 😦