Well  I have gone away from home for a bit at my mom’s friend’s house.  It’s been good but it also made me realize how weird I really am.  Stuff that is normal for me isn’t so normal.  I am horrible at decisions  and that came out. Also have a hard time taking care of myself and my hair. Got my hair cut short which I like and needed to because I had a big knot in my hair  and it takes forever to brush. I hated the itcy feeling afterwards from the hair. The more I look into it the more I think I may be an aspie.  I know not to rely on the tests online which all say I am but it explains a lot of stuff like my poor motor coordination, my lack of eye contact, poor social skills. I have been reading there is an association between addiction and Asperger’s and  I am not surprised by that I know when I first started drinking and using  I had no clue what I was doing but was depressed and anxious and wanted to feel better. I also wanted to fit in with others and drugs and alcohol were a way to do that. Well sort of because I got taken advantage of a lot because of my poor social skills and not knowing how it works.   The thing is in some sense I know what’s going on psychological I could probably explain to you how the addiction brain works and how stuff is working in my brain on an intellectual level but trying to put into practice is another story. Heading home tomorrow, then tues heading to a withdrawal management for three days. ( I am already clean since tues but need to have 72 hours off everything and don’t want to chance it so staying somewhere safe…. hopefully if I don’t get triggered by others. I found staying with my mom’s friend better then staying at detox because less triggering.) Then I am going to a 21 day program that is 12 step based and all the counsellors are recovering addicts so that is good.  I am nervous and anxious though don’t want to get kicked out. I know my social skills sux and stuff so don’t want that to get in the way of treatment and people think I’m not trying when I really am.  I also on the waitlist for another 10 week program the one I got kicked out of for using benzos that I still don’t remember taking. Anyways I’m hoping  get back into that though people have been saying I should get long term treatment like 3 months plus, but I’m like is addiction really my issue or is it other stuff, will I ever get better. If it is Asperger’s I know that can’t be treated but I can learn some skills I hope. I hate not being normal. I hate being weird and different.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s