Author Archives: RecoveringPinkButterfly

About RecoveringPinkButterfly

I am struggling in this world. I have PTSD, BPD, Depression, Social Anxiety. I also struggle with an Eating disorder, Addiction, Self harm and have panic attacks. I'm starting to think I might have Asperger's because I've read a lot about that and it would explain a lot of stuff, being a clutz, lack of social skills, taking stuff literally, hating small talk, but able to talk a lot about special interests, lack of eye- contact with the exception of Special Interests. I also struggle with Flashbacks, Nightmares, Body Memories, and been known to dissociate. I like to write and draw, and that is my outlet. I love getting into intellectual conversations. I get obsessed with stuff. I start something and have a hard time stopping until its done, or get obsessed with something for hours and lose track of time. I'm a Hoarder to some degree but not nearly as bad as the one's on tv. I'm hoping to have this site as a place to express myself and my feelings and maybe try to figure myself out. I want to explore myself and find ways to help myself and help others through my story.

Sexual Assault

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Sexual Assault

I have posted on my other blog today and that has been about addictions recovery but I thought I would write about another less positive issue here. Trauma.  Today I got blood work done to test for STIs due to a recent sexual assault and yesterday had an appointment with social worker related to it. Today I talked to my primary counsellor from treatment center about it.  This is going to be hard to deal with because usually my pattern is to try to numb out and that gets me in situations that are traumatic all over again.  I don’t even know what to think anymore. I’m not even sure what rape is and what isn’t.   I have never had a sexual experience in my life that I wanted but I allowed stuff to happen by drinking or using or accepting drinks from guys and going to there house even though I knew better.  I have overheard guys say lets  buy this girl drinks it is free sex and I still let them do it. Though I was already pretty loaded at the time.  Guys will promise me more alcohol and or drugs only to get me home and  feed me drugs to I am to numb to do much or not give the drugs promised but still make me have sex with them.  Sometimes I want to beat myself up and say how did I allow this to happen.  One time I guy got me drunk brought me outside  has sex with me in the winter and gave me $3 for another drink. I felt worse then a prostitute all I was worth was $3 and some alcohol.   The scariest is when I end up at a guys house and they stop me when I try to leave or put my clothes somewhere so its harder to get dressed, or hold me down and are a lot stronger so I can’t push them away and if I try they just hold me down harder. One of the worst experiences was when I went to the bathroom at one guys place, he did not have a lock on the bathroom door and I now know why. He walked in on me while I was going pee, blocked me in the washroom and preceded to have sex with me.  I am now somewhat traumatized by that and if someone knocks on the door when I am in the bathroom I freak. I have had a guy get violent when  I didn’t do what he wanted.  I have wandered around in the middle of the winter outside because it was safer then being at a certain guys house. I have slept outside.   I am trying to stay sober because I know this is the only way I can stop this cycle.  If I don’t drink in the first place my chances of being hurt by a guy go way down. Though not completely because I have been hurt by a guy with no alcohol involved too. Mind you I was able to get out of those situations easier because no alcohol involved.

Anxiety: Feel like I am going crazy.

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My anxiety is through the roof. I want to cry, my anxiety is getting worse, and my self medication alcohol makes it way worse.  I get anxious if I rip up a piece of paper  of a drawing I did but I’m a hoarder and realizing it makes me anxious to throw stuff out.  And went out for a smoke and thought of having a drink came by to calm my anxiety I didn’t turned around and went back in only to end up in a group what was extremely stressful because of the people there who  are high energy and the group suppose to be on stress and relaxation. I got some types but I wanted to drink talked to the staff afterwards and calmed down just want to relax and my mom is all over me asking me a million stuff have you done this can I scan this in take a photocopy and its like great I don’t need more paper. I trying to get rid of stuff. I am getting so frustrated and annoyed.  I don’t know how to cope my obsession to drink or use or anything to feel better is high but I know it will make stuff worse.  I have a recovery based meeting tonight so I hope that helps because if not I don’t know what to do I am going crazy.

My new addiction: Blogging

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It seems like my addiction brain is setting in even with this blog. Since I started tonight  I needed to go pee and haven’t wanted to get off because I want to keep blogging, read people’s blogs. Yet it is way past bedtime. I guess Internet addiction is better then drugs and alcohol but I know that was a problem for a while for me when I wasn’t drinking or using before so much so  I saw an addictions counsellor over internet use. That was recommended by my physiatrist who  I no longer see. Haven’t seen a psychiatrist  minus psych ward visit ( but it was useless because I was sneaking out and using and drinking)  for a year and half. The day I got a email saying my physiatrist was sick and could no longer see patients I downed a bottle of wine. So I have a feeling my meds are not where they should be. See a psychiatrist the end of this month  trying to stay sober till then so that he can have a better picture of my mental health.  But anyways I need some sleep need to get off this computer and go to bed.

My Obsesssion: Books

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I am discovering that  I have an obsession with books, not that I didn’t know that already because love books been reading since I was a kid. Tried to sort through books to donate and my anxiety starts going through the roof. I’m like this with papers to and other stuff as well, and think what if I want to read it again what if I need it.  I kept every textbook from every course I took at university even the ones I dropped yet when given opportunity to give them away to help people in Africa my anxiety gets bad even thinking of giving a few books away. I sorted through part of my book collection and have 4 boxes worth to donate which is only about 1/5 of the books I sorted through most which I haven’t read in years and they are still sitting in boxes.  I know I like control but honestly everything is online now, if I give a book away the world isn’t going to end but it feels like that sometimes.

I am also going to volunteer at the library when they have there giant book sale nothing better then being surrounded by books, though every time I go to a used book sale I can buy a box full of books half which I never read and some which I am donating back to this used book sale.

You know you are an addict/alcoholic when…

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…..  you go to a meeting run into someone you just met in detox who is happy to see you because you left detox early (well got kicked out sort of)  and no one knew where I went and I tell her I was pissed and downed 15 mg of valium and drank who knows how much alcohol and weed and her response is “ya that  makes sense.”

 When you are at an AA meeting and someone asks  you where a location of somewhere is and you think for a bit and tell them the location by stating where the nearest bar is.

When someone in the meeting brings in a drink and your brain gets triggered thinking its alcohol because the container looks similar to a wine container you bought before even though it was juice.

 You get yourself into high risk situation after situation yet still go back and drink thinking this time will be different.

You end up at a guys house because you are too drunk to do anything, once you sober up enough to realize I need to get out of here this is not safe  the first time he goes to the bathroom you don’t make your escape but you dump his prescription Tylenol III into your purse but he comes back before you have a chance to make it out the door so you have to go through another whole round of unwanted sex.

 When you go to the bathroom in the ER and take pills in the bathroom so the nurses don’t see you.

When you start drinking and hate it so much that you call someone for help and courage to dump the bottle of wine, only to wake up the next day and drink again.

When you take a random pill you don’t know because it has been told that I helped the person sleep. start feeling better take more  go to a out patient program and can’t function because you snuck in these unknown pills into the program in your cigarette package.  You get kicked out of the program for using something only to find out later it was just melatonin but because you got kicked out for “using” yo blamed them and went into relapse mode.

You  get a sponsor, then relapse the next day, you get a home group and relapse the next day.

You get pissed at your sponsor go drink and use and then blame her for it and then have no clue why she doesn’t want to be your sponsor anymore.

 Someone on the phone says the is only one life so make the most of it and you remember people saying that in relations to drinking and using when she meant staying sober .

You drive drunk to an AA meeting sit there then drive home via the liquor store.

Every time you hear the word crack  you think of the drug even though they just meant there is a crack in the wall.

You tell yourself you will just have one drink to calm the shakes down and then you lose track of how much you drink.

When two guys are fighting over you and you play it and go with the guy who has the most alcohol and drugs, if your lucky to stay sober enough to not end up going unwillingly.

You ask your friend before her wedding what the alcohol situation is like.

You hide alcohol and then dispose of the bottles in another location.

You been drinking and using so long that you don’t want to eat and another addict hands you a chocolate bar and says you need to eat something.

You sip people’s drinks or take people’s dope when they are not looking but a small amount so they don’t notice.

You tell people that the location you live is a trigger because there is a wine store across the street and a bar on the corner and other people see those locations as the grocery store and a restaurant with a bar.  And you pipe up and say well to me it’s a bar I never eat there.

You realize as soon as you typed this last sentence that you used the word pipe and start thinking about a crack pipe.

You pick up a spoon and once in a while you are triggered by a spoon.

You hear a song that is playing the first night you used and you start shaking and the girl with you has to calm you down because you are cutting up vetables  but you feel like you jonsing for your next hit even though you haven’t used that substance in about a month.

You have drinking and using dreams, some which are weird and involve doing stuff you have never done before. Others which you wake up right before you about to get high in the dream and you are disappointed.

Or the dream feels so real that you wake up feeling high and think you lost your sobriety and have to start over.

When someone asks you how much you usually drink you say idk I loose track after 5-6.

You will use any mind alternating substance even if you don’t know what it is in hopes you will feel better and get high.

You have been to detox so many times they recognize you when you call.

You go to a treatment program get kicked out for using something you don’t remember using but is in your system and go screw it if they think I’m using I’m going to do it.

Someone accuses you of using and tells the staff at the psyc ward so they want to pee test you and your response is to leave and go get high because well if they thin I am using I might as well just use

You go to a treatment program complete it  and two days later relapse.

The thought of dying is not that bad because you don’t want to live.

You feel trapped because you don’t want to use anymore but the pain is so deep  you can’t handle it so you want to die but you don’t want to die and your just tortured inside.

When you go back to a place you did treatment at and you suddenly feel at home.

 have spent so much time in hospitals, psyc wards, detoxs and treatment that you feel more comfortable there then in the real world.

……… and many more

Aside

 Went to church today. I love the smaller services better makes me less anxious.   I liked the structure of the service and being able to follow to bulletin.  Also like that we say stuff together. I like that better then my church which is bigger and makes me more anxious and has louder music and more lights.   It was awkward though afterwards went down standing awkward one of the ladies like sit down here , she holds out her hand to motion to someone to say her name and I read it wrong and then I ended up shaking her hand everyone laughed…whoops.   Had a bunch of us for lunch at my mom’s friend’s house and I was weird again but that’s normal.  It’s amazing if I make it through a meal without spilling stuff, which is pretty normal for me. I didn’t spill the coffee but spilt the salad, oh well. I am a clutz for sure.

Aside

 Well  I have gone away from home for a bit at my mom’s friend’s house.  It’s been good but it also made me realize how weird I really am.  Stuff that is normal for me isn’t so normal.  I am horrible at decisions  and that came out. Also have a hard time taking care of myself and my hair. Got my hair cut short which I like and needed to because I had a big knot in my hair  and it takes forever to brush. I hated the itcy feeling afterwards from the hair. The more I look into it the more I think I may be an aspie.  I know not to rely on the tests online which all say I am but it explains a lot of stuff like my poor motor coordination, my lack of eye contact, poor social skills. I have been reading there is an association between addiction and Asperger’s and  I am not surprised by that I know when I first started drinking and using  I had no clue what I was doing but was depressed and anxious and wanted to feel better. I also wanted to fit in with others and drugs and alcohol were a way to do that. Well sort of because I got taken advantage of a lot because of my poor social skills and not knowing how it works.   The thing is in some sense I know what’s going on psychological I could probably explain to you how the addiction brain works and how stuff is working in my brain on an intellectual level but trying to put into practice is another story. Heading home tomorrow, then tues heading to a withdrawal management for three days. ( I am already clean since tues but need to have 72 hours off everything and don’t want to chance it so staying somewhere safe…. hopefully if I don’t get triggered by others. I found staying with my mom’s friend better then staying at detox because less triggering.) Then I am going to a 21 day program that is 12 step based and all the counsellors are recovering addicts so that is good.  I am nervous and anxious though don’t want to get kicked out. I know my social skills sux and stuff so don’t want that to get in the way of treatment and people think I’m not trying when I really am.  I also on the waitlist for another 10 week program the one I got kicked out of for using benzos that I still don’t remember taking. Anyways I’m hoping  get back into that though people have been saying I should get long term treatment like 3 months plus, but I’m like is addiction really my issue or is it other stuff, will I ever get better. If it is Asperger’s I know that can’t be treated but I can learn some skills I hope. I hate not being normal. I hate being weird and different.

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 Feeling so alone right now  and sad.  I just want to something to fix my feelings, anything. But I know quick fixes are non existent. I just want to sleep for hours. I am exhausted and so tired.  I don’t even know what to type here because so tired. It’s Friday, I always struggle on Fridays 😦

Aside

Now that I know how to post I think this blog will go better.   Woke up this morning did not want to get up but that’s pretty normal.  I am going to an creativity workshop today from 1:30-3:30 pm. Than I have my therapist appointment  at 4:00 pm. and than a friend of mine is going to drive me to a AA meeting and than we are going to go out for Coffee.   Aww that’s sweet I just got a note from my Aunt. 🙂  Still working on this blog to get the information up in the different categories. Mind you right now all I want to do is sleep, but that’s ok.   I love writing and I figured the more I write the better.  

I am tired, living with anxiety is exhausting, I have started a new med to help with anxiety, it is not a specific anxiety med but a med to decrease blood pressure. It is a Beta Blocker. Not sure if its helping totally but it seems to help when I’m in panic attack mode.

The one I am taking is propranolol, though my doctor is giving it to me once a day and I think I’m suppose to take it a specific time but I think it would work better as a PR so I need to talk to my doctor about it because instructions are not clear and since I’m going back into treatment, hopefully soon, I need my meds straight because they have to follow directions. Plus they said before I get back into treatment I would have to have my anxiety meds stable because the anxiety was getting in the way of completing the addictions program, because I would have cyclical panic attacks.

“Propranolol (Inderal)

Possible Benefits. Used for short-term relief of social anxiety. May reduce some peripheral symptoms of anxiety, such as tachycardia and sweating, and general tension, can help control symptoms of stage fright and public-speaking fears, has few side effects.

Possible Disadvantages. See disadvantages-Beta-Blockers, above. Consult your physician before taking while pregnant or while breast-feeding. If taking daily, do not stop this drug abruptly.

Restrictions On Use. Do not take propranolol if you suffer from chronic lung disease, asthma, diabetes, and certain heart diseases, or if you are severely depressed.

Possible Side Effects. Taken occasionally, propranolol has almost no side effects. Some people may feel a little light-headed, sleepy, short-term memory loss, unusually slow pulse, lethargy, insomnia, diarrhea, cold hands and feet, numbness and/or tingling of fingers and toes.

Dosages Recommended By Investigators. You can take a 20 to 40 mg dose of propranolol as needed about one hour before a stressful situation. If necessary, you can also combine it with imipramine or alprazolam without adverse effects.”

http://www.anxieties.com/159/beta-blockers#.UxC_B2CPLmI

It’s frustrating when What your mental health issues get in the way of you getting help because you have so many co-occurring issues. I think if there is one thing I could approve about the mental health system is more support for people with co-concurrent disorders ( addiction and mental health) . Also funding for mental health is way less than physical health yet more people are on disability due to mental health.

Where I am if you have a physical health problem you can go to the hospital get treatment and it be covered by the government. If you have a mental health issue to get treatment it’s a lot harder, and the really good programs are private and you need insurance and well the people who need help the most don’t have insurance because they are too sick to work. So really the people that can get the best help for Mental Health are the people who are able to function better in society which is not fair but there’s not much that can be done about that. unfortunately mental health issues and addiction can lead to unemployment and even homelessness. There needs to be more emphasis placed on mental health issues because it not only effects the person dealing with it but society as a whole.

Beta blockers for anxiety and how I am feeling today