My anxiety is through the roof. I want to cry, my anxiety is getting worse, and my self medication alcohol makes it way worse. I get anxious if I rip up a piece of paper of a drawing I did but I’m a hoarder and realizing it makes me anxious to throw stuff out. And went out for a smoke and thought of having a drink came by to calm my anxiety I didn’t turned around and went back in only to end up in a group what was extremely stressful because of the people there who are high energy and the group suppose to be on stress and relaxation. I got some types but I wanted to drink talked to the staff afterwards and calmed down just want to relax and my mom is all over me asking me a million stuff have you done this can I scan this in take a photocopy and its like great I don’t need more paper. I trying to get rid of stuff. I am getting so frustrated and annoyed. I don’t know how to cope my obsession to drink or use or anything to feel better is high but I know it will make stuff worse. I have a recovery based meeting tonight so I hope that helps because if not I don’t know what to do I am going crazy.
I am discovering that I have an obsession with books, not that I didn’t know that already because love books been reading since I was a kid. Tried to sort through books to donate and my anxiety starts going through the roof. I’m like this with papers to and other stuff as well, and think what if I want to read it again what if I need it. I kept every textbook from every course I took at university even the ones I dropped yet when given opportunity to give them away to help people in Africa my anxiety gets bad even thinking of giving a few books away. I sorted through part of my book collection and have 4 boxes worth to donate which is only about 1/5 of the books I sorted through most which I haven’t read in years and they are still sitting in boxes. I know I like control but honestly everything is online now, if I give a book away the world isn’t going to end but it feels like that sometimes.
I am also going to volunteer at the library when they have there giant book sale nothing better then being surrounded by books, though every time I go to a used book sale I can buy a box full of books half which I never read and some which I am donating back to this used book sale.
….. you go to a meeting run into someone you just met in detox who is happy to see you because you left detox early (well got kicked out sort of) and no one knew where I went and I tell her I was pissed and downed 15 mg of valium and drank who knows how much alcohol and weed and her response is “ya that makes sense.”
When you are at an AA meeting and someone asks you where a location of somewhere is and you think for a bit and tell them the location by stating where the nearest bar is.
When someone in the meeting brings in a drink and your brain gets triggered thinking its alcohol because the container looks similar to a wine container you bought before even though it was juice.
You get yourself into high risk situation after situation yet still go back and drink thinking this time will be different.
You end up at a guys house because you are too drunk to do anything, once you sober up enough to realize I need to get out of here this is not safe the first time he goes to the bathroom you don’t make your escape but you dump his prescription Tylenol III into your purse but he comes back before you have a chance to make it out the door so you have to go through another whole round of unwanted sex.
When you go to the bathroom in the ER and take pills in the bathroom so the nurses don’t see you.
When you start drinking and hate it so much that you call someone for help and courage to dump the bottle of wine, only to wake up the next day and drink again.
When you take a random pill you don’t know because it has been told that I helped the person sleep. start feeling better take more go to a out patient program and can’t function because you snuck in these unknown pills into the program in your cigarette package. You get kicked out of the program for using something only to find out later it was just melatonin but because you got kicked out for “using” yo blamed them and went into relapse mode.
You get a sponsor, then relapse the next day, you get a home group and relapse the next day.
You get pissed at your sponsor go drink and use and then blame her for it and then have no clue why she doesn’t want to be your sponsor anymore.
Someone on the phone says the is only one life so make the most of it and you remember people saying that in relations to drinking and using when she meant staying sober .
You drive drunk to an AA meeting sit there then drive home via the liquor store.
Every time you hear the word crack you think of the drug even though they just meant there is a crack in the wall.
You tell yourself you will just have one drink to calm the shakes down and then you lose track of how much you drink.
When two guys are fighting over you and you play it and go with the guy who has the most alcohol and drugs, if your lucky to stay sober enough to not end up going unwillingly.
You ask your friend before her wedding what the alcohol situation is like.
You hide alcohol and then dispose of the bottles in another location.
You been drinking and using so long that you don’t want to eat and another addict hands you a chocolate bar and says you need to eat something.
You sip people’s drinks or take people’s dope when they are not looking but a small amount so they don’t notice.
You tell people that the location you live is a trigger because there is a wine store across the street and a bar on the corner and other people see those locations as the grocery store and a restaurant with a bar. And you pipe up and say well to me it’s a bar I never eat there.
You realize as soon as you typed this last sentence that you used the word pipe and start thinking about a crack pipe.
You pick up a spoon and once in a while you are triggered by a spoon.
You hear a song that is playing the first night you used and you start shaking and the girl with you has to calm you down because you are cutting up vetables but you feel like you jonsing for your next hit even though you haven’t used that substance in about a month.
You have drinking and using dreams, some which are weird and involve doing stuff you have never done before. Others which you wake up right before you about to get high in the dream and you are disappointed.
Or the dream feels so real that you wake up feeling high and think you lost your sobriety and have to start over.
When someone asks you how much you usually drink you say idk I loose track after 5-6.
You will use any mind alternating substance even if you don’t know what it is in hopes you will feel better and get high.
You have been to detox so many times they recognize you when you call.
You go to a treatment program get kicked out for using something you don’t remember using but is in your system and go screw it if they think I’m using I’m going to do it.
Someone accuses you of using and tells the staff at the psyc ward so they want to pee test you and your response is to leave and go get high because well if they thin I am using I might as well just use
You go to a treatment program complete it and two days later relapse.
The thought of dying is not that bad because you don’t want to live.
You feel trapped because you don’t want to use anymore but the pain is so deep you can’t handle it so you want to die but you don’t want to die and your just tortured inside.
When you go back to a place you did treatment at and you suddenly feel at home.
have spent so much time in hospitals, psyc wards, detoxs and treatment that you feel more comfortable there then in the real world.
……… and many more
This is my first post on this blog. I am hoping to use this blog to express myself and my feelings and sharing with other my story and experience. I hope someone can find hope or strength from my writing. I struggle a lot and everyday is a battle but I will fight to move forward. I choose this theme because it’s like a mandala and I find mandalas calm and comforting to colour and it is one of the main ways that I calm myself. I typed a whole other intro before but it didn’t post somehow. Still trying to figure this site out. I’ve had blogs before but I thought I would try it again. I have found other people’s blog’s inspiring so I thought I would try it out too, and hopefully someone will find some strength and hope through my hope and know they are not alone. It looks like this first post or should I say first posts will be in stages because I finally figured out how to publish a post and too lazy to re-type them all. Heck I’m fighting my perfectionism, that’s a good thing right??
Well I decided to start a blog and journal about how I’m feeling, what my life is like. I have a lot of mental health issues and I’m just trying to get through each day. I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Social Anxiety, and an eating disorder ( which has morphed over time Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating, over exercise) I also struggle with depression and been diagnosed with Major Depression a few times. I also struggle with Addiction and self harm. I recently realized that I have panic attacks quite often, which I didn’t realize and when someone told me that was a panic attack I’m like wow I have those all the time but it’s so normal it didn’t seem like a panic attack. Trying a new med, beta-blocker to help with anxiety to try to help with the physical sensations. I have 18 Days 9 hours and 32 Minutes Clean and Sober. I was in treatment but got kicked out for using even though I don’t remember using anything, so either someone slipped something in my food or drink, or I dissociated and took something without realizing, but are very scary to me. I have reapplied to treatment but terrified it will happen again and I will get kicked out again and I’m not sure I could deal with.
Talked to the staff today and have a lot to work on, mainly keeping my emotions under wrap, and try to ride the wave before it hits panic attack mode. I struggle with Interpersonal skills a lot, and sometimes I wonder if I have Asperger’s ( High Functioning Autism), because that would explain a lot of stuff. I am a clutz, I struggle in social situations, I do well when I am doing or talking about something I am interested in, and can give eye contact then, but if I am not interested in topic or its hard to talk about my eye contact is non existent. I have been reading books on Asperger’s and I can relate so much, but who knows it could just be my Anxiety over reacting because I have severe anxiety.
I love to draw and write, and that is my outlet, but I tend to get obsessed with that and other stuff. I lose track of time. So much so that sometimes I don’t go to the bathroom even though I need too really badly. I’m pretty sure I dissociate at times. I also get flashbacks, not necessarily visual but it feels like I’m back there. I also get body memories, and nightmares. Nightmares come out of nowhere, the worse nightmare combination is having a traumatic nightmare than waking up in panic and having a using dream and than waking up and like crap.
I am just trying to move forward, I have a lot to work on and sometimes it seems really really overwhelming, but all I can do is move forward one day at a time.