I have posted on my other blog today and that has been about addictions recovery but I thought I would write about another less positive issue here. Trauma. Today I got blood work done to test for STIs due to a recent sexual assault and yesterday had an appointment with social worker related to it. Today I talked to my primary counsellor from treatment center about it. This is going to be hard to deal with because usually my pattern is to try to numb out and that gets me in situations that are traumatic all over again. I don’t even know what to think anymore. I’m not even sure what rape is and what isn’t. I have never had a sexual experience in my life that I wanted but I allowed stuff to happen by drinking or using or accepting drinks from guys and going to there house even though I knew better. I have overheard guys say lets buy this girl drinks it is free sex and I still let them do it. Though I was already pretty loaded at the time. Guys will promise me more alcohol and or drugs only to get me home and feed me drugs to I am to numb to do much or not give the drugs promised but still make me have sex with them. Sometimes I want to beat myself up and say how did I allow this to happen. One time I guy got me drunk brought me outside has sex with me in the winter and gave me $3 for another drink. I felt worse then a prostitute all I was worth was $3 and some alcohol. The scariest is when I end up at a guys house and they stop me when I try to leave or put my clothes somewhere so its harder to get dressed, or hold me down and are a lot stronger so I can’t push them away and if I try they just hold me down harder. One of the worst experiences was when I went to the bathroom at one guys place, he did not have a lock on the bathroom door and I now know why. He walked in on me while I was going pee, blocked me in the washroom and preceded to have sex with me. I am now somewhat traumatized by that and if someone knocks on the door when I am in the bathroom I freak. I have had a guy get violent when I didn’t do what he wanted. I have wandered around in the middle of the winter outside because it was safer then being at a certain guys house. I have slept outside. I am trying to stay sober because I know this is the only way I can stop this cycle. If I don’t drink in the first place my chances of being hurt by a guy go way down. Though not completely because I have been hurt by a guy with no alcohol involved too. Mind you I was able to get out of those situations easier because no alcohol involved.