It seems like my addiction brain is setting in even with this blog. Since I started tonight I needed to go pee and haven’t wanted to get off because I want to keep blogging, read people’s blogs. Yet it is way past bedtime. I guess Internet addiction is better then drugs and alcohol but I know that was a problem for a while for me when I wasn’t drinking or using before so much so I saw an addictions counsellor over internet use. That was recommended by my physiatrist who I no longer see. Haven’t seen a psychiatrist minus psych ward visit ( but it was useless because I was sneaking out and using and drinking) for a year and half. The day I got a email saying my physiatrist was sick and could no longer see patients I downed a bottle of wine. So I have a feeling my meds are not where they should be. See a psychiatrist the end of this month trying to stay sober till then so that he can have a better picture of my mental health. But anyways I need some sleep need to get off this computer and go to bed.
Went to church today. I love the smaller services better makes me less anxious. I liked the structure of the service and being able to follow to bulletin. Also like that we say stuff together. I like that better then my church which is bigger and makes me more anxious and has louder music and more lights. It was awkward though afterwards went down standing awkward one of the ladies like sit down here , she holds out her hand to motion to someone to say her name and I read it wrong and then I ended up shaking her hand everyone laughed…whoops. Had a bunch of us for lunch at my mom’s friend’s house and I was weird again but that’s normal. It’s amazing if I make it through a meal without spilling stuff, which is pretty normal for me. I didn’t spill the coffee but spilt the salad, oh well. I am a clutz for sure.
Well I have gone away from home for a bit at my mom’s friend’s house. It’s been good but it also made me realize how weird I really am. Stuff that is normal for me isn’t so normal. I am horrible at decisions and that came out. Also have a hard time taking care of myself and my hair. Got my hair cut short which I like and needed to because I had a big knot in my hair and it takes forever to brush. I hated the itcy feeling afterwards from the hair. The more I look into it the more I think I may be an aspie. I know not to rely on the tests online which all say I am but it explains a lot of stuff like my poor motor coordination, my lack of eye contact, poor social skills. I have been reading there is an association between addiction and Asperger’s and I am not surprised by that I know when I first started drinking and using I had no clue what I was doing but was depressed and anxious and wanted to feel better. I also wanted to fit in with others and drugs and alcohol were a way to do that. Well sort of because I got taken advantage of a lot because of my poor social skills and not knowing how it works. The thing is in some sense I know what’s going on psychological I could probably explain to you how the addiction brain works and how stuff is working in my brain on an intellectual level but trying to put into practice is another story. Heading home tomorrow, then tues heading to a withdrawal management for three days. ( I am already clean since tues but need to have 72 hours off everything and don’t want to chance it so staying somewhere safe…. hopefully if I don’t get triggered by others. I found staying with my mom’s friend better then staying at detox because less triggering.) Then I am going to a 21 day program that is 12 step based and all the counsellors are recovering addicts so that is good. I am nervous and anxious though don’t want to get kicked out. I know my social skills sux and stuff so don’t want that to get in the way of treatment and people think I’m not trying when I really am. I also on the waitlist for another 10 week program the one I got kicked out of for using benzos that I still don’t remember taking. Anyways I’m hoping get back into that though people have been saying I should get long term treatment like 3 months plus, but I’m like is addiction really my issue or is it other stuff, will I ever get better. If it is Asperger’s I know that can’t be treated but I can learn some skills I hope. I hate not being normal. I hate being weird and different.
Feeling so alone right now and sad. I just want to something to fix my feelings, anything. But I know quick fixes are non existent. I just want to sleep for hours. I am exhausted and so tired. I don’t even know what to type here because so tired. It’s Friday, I always struggle on Fridays 😦
Now that I know how to post I think this blog will go better. Woke up this morning did not want to get up but that’s pretty normal. I am going to an creativity workshop today from 1:30-3:30 pm. Than I have my therapist appointment at 4:00 pm. and than a friend of mine is going to drive me to a AA meeting and than we are going to go out for Coffee. Aww that’s sweet I just got a note from my Aunt. 🙂 Still working on this blog to get the information up in the different categories. Mind you right now all I want to do is sleep, but that’s ok. I love writing and I figured the more I write the better.
I am tired, living with anxiety is exhausting, I have started a new med to help with anxiety, it is not a specific anxiety med but a med to decrease blood pressure. It is a Beta Blocker. Not sure if its helping totally but it seems to help when I’m in panic attack mode.
The one I am taking is propranolol, though my doctor is giving it to me once a day and I think I’m suppose to take it a specific time but I think it would work better as a PR so I need to talk to my doctor about it because instructions are not clear and since I’m going back into treatment, hopefully soon, I need my meds straight because they have to follow directions. Plus they said before I get back into treatment I would have to have my anxiety meds stable because the anxiety was getting in the way of completing the addictions program, because I would have cyclical panic attacks.
Possible Benefits. Used for short-term relief of social anxiety. May reduce some peripheral symptoms of anxiety, such as tachycardia and sweating, and general tension, can help control symptoms of stage fright and public-speaking fears, has few side effects.
Possible Disadvantages. See disadvantages-Beta-Blockers, above. Consult your physician before taking while pregnant or while breast-feeding. If taking daily, do not stop this drug abruptly.
Restrictions On Use. Do not take propranolol if you suffer from chronic lung disease, asthma, diabetes, and certain heart diseases, or if you are severely depressed.
Possible Side Effects. Taken occasionally, propranolol has almost no side effects. Some people may feel a little light-headed, sleepy, short-term memory loss, unusually slow pulse, lethargy, insomnia, diarrhea, cold hands and feet, numbness and/or tingling of fingers and toes.
Dosages Recommended By Investigators. You can take a 20 to 40 mg dose of propranolol as needed about one hour before a stressful situation. If necessary, you can also combine it with imipramine or alprazolam without adverse effects.”
It’s frustrating when What your mental health issues get in the way of you getting help because you have so many co-occurring issues. I think if there is one thing I could approve about the mental health system is more support for people with co-concurrent disorders ( addiction and mental health) . Also funding for mental health is way less than physical health yet more people are on disability due to mental health.
Where I am if you have a physical health problem you can go to the hospital get treatment and it be covered by the government. If you have a mental health issue to get treatment it’s a lot harder, and the really good programs are private and you need insurance and well the people who need help the most don’t have insurance because they are too sick to work. So really the people that can get the best help for Mental Health are the people who are able to function better in society which is not fair but there’s not much that can be done about that. unfortunately mental health issues and addiction can lead to unemployment and even homelessness. There needs to be more emphasis placed on mental health issues because it not only effects the person dealing with it but society as a whole.
Ok I keep trying to post and it won’t work so I will try something simple and post and then go to bed because it’s way to late and I’m getting obsessed with this, one of my issues and I really need sleep. I hope this blog can be a help to someone, and if anything it is a way to express myself. I have a lot of mental health issues and also struggle with addiction but I’m trying to move forward one day at a time. Today is 18 Days 10 Hours 06 Minutes Clean and Sober and ready to take on the world. Well not really I’m just taking it one day at a time and trying to move forward. Next Tues I start a two week 9-5 pm Day program. I am waiting to get back into treatment, residential, I got kicked out for using, though I don’t remember using, so either someone stuck it in my drink or I dissociated and took stuff without realizing either way that scares the heck out of me. I am so worried that will happen again and I will get kicked out all over again. I put so much effort into the program but also struggled, the last week I was panic attack crazy, and getting overstimulated very easily. Ok I need to go to bed, and go pee, one of my issues I get obsessed with something, ie. the internet and than don’t go pee. Yes I know that is not a good trait. I have lots of issues and I know that but at least I am trying to move forward and fight to recover from my Mental Health and Addiction issues.