This is my first post on this blog. I am hoping to use this blog to express myself and my feelings and sharing with other my story and experience. I hope someone can find hope or strength from my writing. I struggle a lot and everyday is a battle but I will fight to move forward. I choose this theme because it’s like a mandala and I find mandalas calm and comforting to colour and it is one of the main ways that I calm myself. I typed a whole other intro before but it didn’t post somehow. Still trying to figure this site out. I’ve had blogs before but I thought I would try it again. I have found other people’s blog’s inspiring so I thought I would try it out too, and hopefully someone will find some strength and hope through my hope and know they are not alone. It looks like this first post or should I say first posts will be in stages because I finally figured out how to publish a post and too lazy to re-type them all. Heck I’m fighting my perfectionism, that’s a good thing right??
Ok I keep trying to post and it won’t work so I will try something simple and post and then go to bed because it’s way to late and I’m getting obsessed with this, one of my issues and I really need sleep. I hope this blog can be a help to someone, and if anything it is a way to express myself. I have a lot of mental health issues and also struggle with addiction but I’m trying to move forward one day at a time. Today is 18 Days 10 Hours 06 Minutes Clean and Sober and ready to take on the world. Well not really I’m just taking it one day at a time and trying to move forward. Next Tues I start a two week 9-5 pm Day program. I am waiting to get back into treatment, residential, I got kicked out for using, though I don’t remember using, so either someone stuck it in my drink or I dissociated and took stuff without realizing either way that scares the heck out of me. I am so worried that will happen again and I will get kicked out all over again. I put so much effort into the program but also struggled, the last week I was panic attack crazy, and getting overstimulated very easily. Ok I need to go to bed, and go pee, one of my issues I get obsessed with something, ie. the internet and than don’t go pee. Yes I know that is not a good trait. I have lots of issues and I know that but at least I am trying to move forward and fight to recover from my Mental Health and Addiction issues.
Well I decided to start a blog and journal about how I’m feeling, what my life is like. I have a lot of mental health issues and I’m just trying to get through each day. I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Social Anxiety, and an eating disorder ( which has morphed over time Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating, over exercise) I also struggle with depression and been diagnosed with Major Depression a few times. I also struggle with Addiction and self harm. I recently realized that I have panic attacks quite often, which I didn’t realize and when someone told me that was a panic attack I’m like wow I have those all the time but it’s so normal it didn’t seem like a panic attack. Trying a new med, beta-blocker to help with anxiety to try to help with the physical sensations. I have 18 Days 9 hours and 32 Minutes Clean and Sober. I was in treatment but got kicked out for using even though I don’t remember using anything, so either someone slipped something in my food or drink, or I dissociated and took something without realizing, but are very scary to me. I have reapplied to treatment but terrified it will happen again and I will get kicked out again and I’m not sure I could deal with.
Talked to the staff today and have a lot to work on, mainly keeping my emotions under wrap, and try to ride the wave before it hits panic attack mode. I struggle with Interpersonal skills a lot, and sometimes I wonder if I have Asperger’s ( High Functioning Autism), because that would explain a lot of stuff. I am a clutz, I struggle in social situations, I do well when I am doing or talking about something I am interested in, and can give eye contact then, but if I am not interested in topic or its hard to talk about my eye contact is non existent. I have been reading books on Asperger’s and I can relate so much, but who knows it could just be my Anxiety over reacting because I have severe anxiety.
I love to draw and write, and that is my outlet, but I tend to get obsessed with that and other stuff. I lose track of time. So much so that sometimes I don’t go to the bathroom even though I need too really badly. I’m pretty sure I dissociate at times. I also get flashbacks, not necessarily visual but it feels like I’m back there. I also get body memories, and nightmares. Nightmares come out of nowhere, the worse nightmare combination is having a traumatic nightmare than waking up in panic and having a using dream and than waking up and like crap.
I am just trying to move forward, I have a lot to work on and sometimes it seems really really overwhelming, but all I can do is move forward one day at a time.