I have posted on my other blog today and that has been about addictions recovery but I thought I would write about another less positive issue here. Trauma. Today I got blood work done to test for STIs due to a recent sexual assault and yesterday had an appointment with social worker related to it. Today I talked to my primary counsellor from treatment center about it. This is going to be hard to deal with because usually my pattern is to try to numb out and that gets me in situations that are traumatic all over again. I don’t even know what to think anymore. I’m not even sure what rape is and what isn’t. I have never had a sexual experience in my life that I wanted but I allowed stuff to happen by drinking or using or accepting drinks from guys and going to there house even though I knew better. I have overheard guys say lets buy this girl drinks it is free sex and I still let them do it. Though I was already pretty loaded at the time. Guys will promise me more alcohol and or drugs only to get me home and feed me drugs to I am to numb to do much or not give the drugs promised but still make me have sex with them. Sometimes I want to beat myself up and say how did I allow this to happen. One time I guy got me drunk brought me outside has sex with me in the winter and gave me $3 for another drink. I felt worse then a prostitute all I was worth was $3 and some alcohol. The scariest is when I end up at a guys house and they stop me when I try to leave or put my clothes somewhere so its harder to get dressed, or hold me down and are a lot stronger so I can’t push them away and if I try they just hold me down harder. One of the worst experiences was when I went to the bathroom at one guys place, he did not have a lock on the bathroom door and I now know why. He walked in on me while I was going pee, blocked me in the washroom and preceded to have sex with me. I am now somewhat traumatized by that and if someone knocks on the door when I am in the bathroom I freak. I have had a guy get violent when I didn’t do what he wanted. I have wandered around in the middle of the winter outside because it was safer then being at a certain guys house. I have slept outside. I am trying to stay sober because I know this is the only way I can stop this cycle. If I don’t drink in the first place my chances of being hurt by a guy go way down. Though not completely because I have been hurt by a guy with no alcohol involved too. Mind you I was able to get out of those situations easier because no alcohol involved.
It seems like my addiction brain is setting in even with this blog. Since I started tonight I needed to go pee and haven’t wanted to get off because I want to keep blogging, read people’s blogs. Yet it is way past bedtime. I guess Internet addiction is better then drugs and alcohol but I know that was a problem for a while for me when I wasn’t drinking or using before so much so I saw an addictions counsellor over internet use. That was recommended by my physiatrist who I no longer see. Haven’t seen a psychiatrist minus psych ward visit ( but it was useless because I was sneaking out and using and drinking) for a year and half. The day I got a email saying my physiatrist was sick and could no longer see patients I downed a bottle of wine. So I have a feeling my meds are not where they should be. See a psychiatrist the end of this month trying to stay sober till then so that he can have a better picture of my mental health. But anyways I need some sleep need to get off this computer and go to bed.
….. you go to a meeting run into someone you just met in detox who is happy to see you because you left detox early (well got kicked out sort of) and no one knew where I went and I tell her I was pissed and downed 15 mg of valium and drank who knows how much alcohol and weed and her response is “ya that makes sense.”
When you are at an AA meeting and someone asks you where a location of somewhere is and you think for a bit and tell them the location by stating where the nearest bar is.
When someone in the meeting brings in a drink and your brain gets triggered thinking its alcohol because the container looks similar to a wine container you bought before even though it was juice.
You get yourself into high risk situation after situation yet still go back and drink thinking this time will be different.
You end up at a guys house because you are too drunk to do anything, once you sober up enough to realize I need to get out of here this is not safe the first time he goes to the bathroom you don’t make your escape but you dump his prescription Tylenol III into your purse but he comes back before you have a chance to make it out the door so you have to go through another whole round of unwanted sex.
When you go to the bathroom in the ER and take pills in the bathroom so the nurses don’t see you.
When you start drinking and hate it so much that you call someone for help and courage to dump the bottle of wine, only to wake up the next day and drink again.
When you take a random pill you don’t know because it has been told that I helped the person sleep. start feeling better take more go to a out patient program and can’t function because you snuck in these unknown pills into the program in your cigarette package. You get kicked out of the program for using something only to find out later it was just melatonin but because you got kicked out for “using” yo blamed them and went into relapse mode.
You get a sponsor, then relapse the next day, you get a home group and relapse the next day.
You get pissed at your sponsor go drink and use and then blame her for it and then have no clue why she doesn’t want to be your sponsor anymore.
Someone on the phone says the is only one life so make the most of it and you remember people saying that in relations to drinking and using when she meant staying sober .
You drive drunk to an AA meeting sit there then drive home via the liquor store.
Every time you hear the word crack you think of the drug even though they just meant there is a crack in the wall.
You tell yourself you will just have one drink to calm the shakes down and then you lose track of how much you drink.
When two guys are fighting over you and you play it and go with the guy who has the most alcohol and drugs, if your lucky to stay sober enough to not end up going unwillingly.
You ask your friend before her wedding what the alcohol situation is like.
You hide alcohol and then dispose of the bottles in another location.
You been drinking and using so long that you don’t want to eat and another addict hands you a chocolate bar and says you need to eat something.
You sip people’s drinks or take people’s dope when they are not looking but a small amount so they don’t notice.
You tell people that the location you live is a trigger because there is a wine store across the street and a bar on the corner and other people see those locations as the grocery store and a restaurant with a bar. And you pipe up and say well to me it’s a bar I never eat there.
You realize as soon as you typed this last sentence that you used the word pipe and start thinking about a crack pipe.
You pick up a spoon and once in a while you are triggered by a spoon.
You hear a song that is playing the first night you used and you start shaking and the girl with you has to calm you down because you are cutting up vetables but you feel like you jonsing for your next hit even though you haven’t used that substance in about a month.
You have drinking and using dreams, some which are weird and involve doing stuff you have never done before. Others which you wake up right before you about to get high in the dream and you are disappointed.
Or the dream feels so real that you wake up feeling high and think you lost your sobriety and have to start over.
When someone asks you how much you usually drink you say idk I loose track after 5-6.
You will use any mind alternating substance even if you don’t know what it is in hopes you will feel better and get high.
You have been to detox so many times they recognize you when you call.
You go to a treatment program get kicked out for using something you don’t remember using but is in your system and go screw it if they think I’m using I’m going to do it.
Someone accuses you of using and tells the staff at the psyc ward so they want to pee test you and your response is to leave and go get high because well if they thin I am using I might as well just use
You go to a treatment program complete it and two days later relapse.
The thought of dying is not that bad because you don’t want to live.
You feel trapped because you don’t want to use anymore but the pain is so deep you can’t handle it so you want to die but you don’t want to die and your just tortured inside.
When you go back to a place you did treatment at and you suddenly feel at home.
have spent so much time in hospitals, psyc wards, detoxs and treatment that you feel more comfortable there then in the real world.
……… and many more
Well I have gone away from home for a bit at my mom’s friend’s house. It’s been good but it also made me realize how weird I really am. Stuff that is normal for me isn’t so normal. I am horrible at decisions and that came out. Also have a hard time taking care of myself and my hair. Got my hair cut short which I like and needed to because I had a big knot in my hair and it takes forever to brush. I hated the itcy feeling afterwards from the hair. The more I look into it the more I think I may be an aspie. I know not to rely on the tests online which all say I am but it explains a lot of stuff like my poor motor coordination, my lack of eye contact, poor social skills. I have been reading there is an association between addiction and Asperger’s and I am not surprised by that I know when I first started drinking and using I had no clue what I was doing but was depressed and anxious and wanted to feel better. I also wanted to fit in with others and drugs and alcohol were a way to do that. Well sort of because I got taken advantage of a lot because of my poor social skills and not knowing how it works. The thing is in some sense I know what’s going on psychological I could probably explain to you how the addiction brain works and how stuff is working in my brain on an intellectual level but trying to put into practice is another story. Heading home tomorrow, then tues heading to a withdrawal management for three days. ( I am already clean since tues but need to have 72 hours off everything and don’t want to chance it so staying somewhere safe…. hopefully if I don’t get triggered by others. I found staying with my mom’s friend better then staying at detox because less triggering.) Then I am going to a 21 day program that is 12 step based and all the counsellors are recovering addicts so that is good. I am nervous and anxious though don’t want to get kicked out. I know my social skills sux and stuff so don’t want that to get in the way of treatment and people think I’m not trying when I really am. I also on the waitlist for another 10 week program the one I got kicked out of for using benzos that I still don’t remember taking. Anyways I’m hoping get back into that though people have been saying I should get long term treatment like 3 months plus, but I’m like is addiction really my issue or is it other stuff, will I ever get better. If it is Asperger’s I know that can’t be treated but I can learn some skills I hope. I hate not being normal. I hate being weird and different.
Ok I keep trying to post and it won’t work so I will try something simple and post and then go to bed because it’s way to late and I’m getting obsessed with this, one of my issues and I really need sleep. I hope this blog can be a help to someone, and if anything it is a way to express myself. I have a lot of mental health issues and also struggle with addiction but I’m trying to move forward one day at a time. Today is 18 Days 10 Hours 06 Minutes Clean and Sober and ready to take on the world. Well not really I’m just taking it one day at a time and trying to move forward. Next Tues I start a two week 9-5 pm Day program. I am waiting to get back into treatment, residential, I got kicked out for using, though I don’t remember using, so either someone stuck it in my drink or I dissociated and took stuff without realizing either way that scares the heck out of me. I am so worried that will happen again and I will get kicked out all over again. I put so much effort into the program but also struggled, the last week I was panic attack crazy, and getting overstimulated very easily. Ok I need to go to bed, and go pee, one of my issues I get obsessed with something, ie. the internet and than don’t go pee. Yes I know that is not a good trait. I have lots of issues and I know that but at least I am trying to move forward and fight to recover from my Mental Health and Addiction issues.